On Hair

Well it looks like I’ve become a native, got a local mobile phone (which has more features than all of the electronics in my house back Sydney), and an address (which I cannot pronounce … which would make for a tremendous reality TV segment, as I try to explain a destination that I can’t pronounce to the taxi driver (Mista Chop Suey), who only knows three English words himself. Gold.

And for those that are putting up with this spam, the good news is that Ep. 3 of the upcoming working title “When Hillbillies Migrate North” is a brief one.

Once again, to the perverts on this mail thread – bad luck. This is about hair above the neckline. And while I'm mentioning perverts a "Cheerio" to you Shippy.

So those that know me well, understand that one of my holy grails (I have a few) is the $10 hair cut. The aim is to take back the glory days of the mid 90’s, when one could get a short back + sides at the traditional barbershop in Clarence Street, Sydney at the most excellent investment of $8. Then GST came in and stuffed up the sub-$10 haircut market.

To be fair I achieved something of a Nirvana in my last vocational life, in that I could get a $12.50 haircut from Morris (well, he is actually I-talian, and his name is Maurice) who runs a tobacco shop in Eastlakes. Then you could score a $7 kebab (with garlic sauce) from the Turkish yiros shop next door. You could be back at work (albeit a little stinky on the breath front … and shedding) within the hour. Glory Days.

So the quest began in Sing Sing for the sub $10 haircut. From early scouting it became apparent that a sub-$10 hairy was not going to be a challenge. In fact, if you pay the full $10 and don’t get a wash and massage, then you’ve been robbed.

No, the real challenge was going to be to get that sub $10-hairy, and not come out looking like Cyndi Lauper (circa 1985), or Sinead O’Connor (circa anytime throughout her career). During scouting on one evening I watched a Chinese feller get a #2 on the sides. He kept insisting it wasn’t evenly matched, to which the hairdresser’s solution was to keep trimming away at both sides … freehand. And to her credit, when she and Ching Chong Willywong finally agreed to disagree – he had an even cut on both sides (only because he had a head with flat sides, there was no hair remaining on the left or right).

So I’ve picked my venue after some careful scouting. Well maybe also due to the cute smile from the lass near the window. I go in and quickly realize English ain’t a form of communication in this establishment. Neither is West Virginian. And given that the only Mandarin I’ve managed to master in almost 40 years on this rock we call earth is “Knee Haw” … I’m in trouble. So cutie who is cutting away at the window chair is smiling away at me, and I’m feelin’ pretty special. Then I realize why she is smiling.

For those that have seen Jack Black’s character in Kung Fu Panda, you will appreciate the shape and size of the lass (I think) that squeezed her way out from the back of the establishment. Well Miss Po has about as much English as I have Mandarin. She doesn’t see this as a problem, and through a continuous stream of Singlish or Minglish, she is keen to impress me with her remarkable lack of command of actual English. On my part this involved a judicious combination of smiles and concerned looks as I tried to judge from her facial tic’s whether she was relating something funny or sounding off a the local government for imposing far to heavy taxes upon enormous hairdressers. Luckily we choose the universal medium of clipper blades (#1, #2 or #3). Although I had to provide 400 “no’s” before she accepted that I did not also want a wash, conditioning, product or a massage (Yikes!) … I can report that the sub-$10 hairy can be found in Singapore. If you are up this way, let me know and I will guide you to the $8 cut at Miss Po’s hair dressing salon in Tanjong Pagar.